I have no hope. There is no hope. Is there such thing as hope? These thoughts clouded my mind. I could not think about anything else. I could not trust anyone; everyone had hurt me. I resided in the pit of despair. There is no hope. I can never be who I want to be, much less who God wants me to be. Why try? I gave up on life. I doubted if life was even worth the trouble. Would I be happier dead? But, wait; I had forgotten what happiness was.
Why had my hope diminished? A year and a half ago I felt a keen sense of the necessity to be perfect. Never hurting anyone, never eating too much, always being loved by all, and always looking absolutely perfect. I thought God wanted me to be perfect too, on a spiritual level. To quench this need, I stopped eating, I tried loving everyone (including people I probably should have avoided), and I became obsessed with what I wore. I also “read” my Bible for the “required” ten minutes a day. After trying so hard to be perfect, I could not understand why I felt so empty. I had no hope.
However, one week last May, everything changed. I was a different person. My hope was renewed. The prayers of my dear friends and family had not reached deaf ears. God had listened. He picked me up with His gentle but strong hands, glowing in the darkness. He drew me to Himself and whispered in my little ear, “Hannah, I love you. I have hope. You give me hope, daughter. I died for you. The world needs you, my little princess.” He gave me a hug and placed me on the clouds. I was on Cloud 9. My joy could not be suppressed, and I had no tangible reason to feel that way. He had placed His sunbeam right outside the window of my life, and the light flooded over everything in it. I had left my problems in the dust. No one could drag me down. I held onto God’s finger like a toddler just learning to walk.
I could not understand why God still loved me. I had turned my back on Him! I had refused to believe the existence of a good God! And yet, here He was, holding my hand and leading me out of my pit. My doubts melted away and I believed. It did not take faith, hope, or pixie dust, because I did not have any of those. I only had my God, but that was enough.
By realizing that God was enough, I knew that I was enough. I was not “good enough” and I did not have a righteousness of my own that comes from the rules of mankind (Philippians 3:8-11), but that was okay. Whatever I lacked, God made up in such magnitude that any thoughts of underconfidence melted away. And this is why: God called me to be one thing: He called me to be His. And that is who I am. I am not perfect. I do not look perfect, I sometimes do eat too much, and I have enemies. But I am God’s. He has called me by name, and I am His (Isaiah 43:1-2). I am the daughter of God, the princess of the Almighty King, and the child of the Father.
A year later, I am still walking on the clouds. God has taken a dark time of my life and has used it, not only to shine an everlasting light in my own life, but also in others’ lives. His light is the one thing that has changed my life, has made me who I am, and still continues to give me hope everyday.
~This is my essay that I just entered in a scholarship contest hosted by CollegePlus!
If you like it, I would really, really appreciate you voting for me at this link: The Light of Hope Essay Thanks so much!